I don't have time for a long post at the moment, but this is something I've been struggling with lately (OK, maybe I've been struggling with it my whole life?): how to be content in the moment, content with God's provision for Right Now rather than looking to the future or the past for something that isn't Right Now.
At the moment, the "want" that is currently unfulfilled is that of a house to call our own; we've been looking and looking, and are finally coming to the conclusion that we may need to put the search on hold for the time being, because financially it just doesn't feel like the right moment. With LW's tooth problems, there may be some big medical expenses coming up, and it was a financially rough summer with lots of weddings, miscellaneous car repairs, and random (yet somehow large ticket) other items that had to be taken care of. We probably could swing it, but I've found myself riddled with doubt, anxiety, and an extreme lack of peace about the decision, all good indications that the way has not yet been opened for us to move forward. I feel more at peace in one sense about waiting, but at the same time, waiting leaves me in an uncomfortable place of unfulfilled "want".
However, it's not the first, or doubtless the last, "want" that I'll experience. For a long time, it was a relationship; then engagement, marriage, a child. Of course, right now I'd love to go back and be in one of those places of "want" again instead, because I can now see how He provided those blessings all in good time. He is ever faithful, and in the same manner, I know He'll provide a place to really call our own when the time is right - yet this doesn't stop me from looking longingly at what others have, even jealously and oftentimes bitterly at the means that He's given others to live with, and to live just a bit more easily than we do.
And yet, when I really stop and look at it, I can see how, like the manna in the desert, He has been providing everything we need, right when we needed it. Perhaps He's working on teaching us to trust a bit more, and the house will come along when we really need it, when we begin splitting the seams of this apartment rather than when we're mostly wistfully thinking of all the perks of home ownership.
I guess it just comes down to trusting the Hand that is leading us, even when the way is dark. I feel like I've lived through this lesson over, and over, and over again in the last several years, but there must be some purpose still left in it; who was it that said, "You learn more from climbing the same mountain a hundred times, than from climbing a hundred different mountains?"
When I stop and really look at how I'm feeling, too, I begin to feel really guilty for feeling discontent. So many in the world go without nearly all the creature comforts that I enjoy, so how dare I feel bad because we can't buy a house, or because money is tight? After all, money doesn't determine happiness. And we are happy, taking joy in the growth of our little girl, in our marriage, in family, friends, the beautiful state we live in, and all sorts of non-money related little pursuits. Still, the itch is there - the itch for more, better, to have something that I currently don't have. Consumerism lives deep within, hard as I may try to weed it out.
Ironically, the best way that I've found to deal with this particular itch is a two-pronged approach of focusing on the real, concrete blessings that God has bestowed (and how providentially He has provided every step of the way), while at the same time practicing a bit of detachment - getting rid of things I've been holding on to, and denying myself in little ways to restore my focus on where I should be storing my treasure up. It's a dual watering/pruning approach, and it does work, but still growth comes slowly, grudgingly, like roots through concrete.
Anyone else experience these sorts of feelings? Any practical advice for learning patience when it comes to things like houses and finances? I find that I can so quickly fall from discontentment to outright discouragement, because it so often seems like some of the dreams I have are years away, if they indeed will ever be realized. Then again, this very week three years ago, I never could have guessed that marriage and baby were literally only months away. I've experienced the darkness before the dawn enough to know that quite often, when I start feeling like this, good things are just around the corner, if only I can be patient enough to allow them to unfold.
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5 comments:
I don't have any profound advice, but just know that I struggle with this too. What has worked best for me is to just really focus on what good I have. And looking and seeing that God really has given me more than I could have asked for, so why worry about what else I need?
It's tough though, there are times when I still fall into hoping for things in the future and focusing on them, but I think what you've posted is really what you need to do to combat this.
I find myself always looking towards and planning for the future. I find it challenging to sit back and be thankful for and enjoy the now. I don't know if it's a woman thing. My Hubby doesn't have this problem... in fact I'd say he has the opposite problem. You aren't alone :)
I definitely struggle with this. I am impatient, have a hard time remembering to trust God, and have trouble living in the moment. I do think that women probably tend to be more prone to this issue.
I think it's particularly hard for you to be paying more for rent than you would for a mortage, and I think that's a large part of the discontent. I think it was easier in a sense for me because while we didn't have a lot more money (in fact at the point you're at we had less, and no baby despite our efforts), we also weren't paying rent, and our mortage was ridiculously small (however, the downside was we lived in a trailer with particle board cupboards, and virtually no closet space, and your father was frequently on unemployment).
It is hard in a society that is focused on greed to be satisfied to have your needs met. It's hard to not let the grass look greener in someone else's yard. Sometimes it helps to look at the yards of people with virtually no grass at all (you do have friends of that ilk too), or to recognize that the friends with greener grass are having to pay huge fees to gardeners (not literal gardener's fees, but you know the costs I'm speaking of).
I honestly believe, and was meaning to tell you last week, that the right house just hasn't come your way yet. It may be that your job situation will change and the right house is somewhere else, it may simply be that the right house is right around the next bend in the road, but that bend hasn't happened yet. One good thing is that if the right house hasn't appeared yet, it may well be that there's a reason for that. Perhaps the price will be better later, perhaps you won't be getting saddled with a house you'd need to get rid of. Trusting God's provision is never easy, but in my experience it really is there.
Remember when you were pregnant and wondering how you could live on the income you'd have after the baby arrived? Then a better paying job quite literally arrived just weeks before the baby. It wasn't a get rich job, just a sufficient job. It was a job that still requires you to exercise all your creativity in thriftiness, but that's what wives are for.
I'll quote an old Protestant hymn (they do get some things right): "When upon life''s billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost,count your many blessings name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done" It really does help sometimes to remind yourself of the ways in which God has already cared for you (starting when you were an unborn baby who could well have been born far too early).
I wish that we had the money to make this juncture easier for you. Trust me, if I could make a million dollars at something I'd happily split them with you. However, rather than earthly parents with deep pockets you have a Heavenly Father who knows exactly what you need, not just physically, but spiritually as well.
I have had a very hard time the past couple of years not being discontent and discouraged about some very real things as well. They aren't financial, so much (although that's an ongoing battle too), but it is hard sometimes to keep praying the same prayer and feel like the answer is never going to come. But believe me I do understand the frustration you're speaking about. I know that you share in my prayers, and believe me I share in yours as well.
This is exactly where I am right now. Maybe it's where we always are, though. It's some other "itching want" for me, but I have the same emotions and the same coming to terms with relying on God's providence.
Honestly, I mostly find myself begging for God's grace to accept his will. To really accept it, not just in word, but in the deepest fiber of my being. It's a work in progress. A slowwww work. Sigh...
And really, what is with this past summer? We've had some crazy unexpected expenses as well that have set us back. It's so frustrating.
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