Catching up...

I thought I was so busy, back when I had a newborn in the house, but still, somehow, I found time to write.  Once that newborn was a two-year-old, though, it seemed like life, which had been in some ways "standing still" for a time, just took wings.  I can't say for certain that I've been "busier" in any real sense of the word; we still only leave home a couple of times a week for any real meetings or errands or visits (if that), I still work the same 15 hours a week for the same company, we still spend our days with books and toys and games, but life just feels faster.  Perhaps because I've been spending more time just living life, and less time documenting it... or perhaps because toddlers only nap, say, an hour or two a day, vs the four or so hours of total nap time she had when she was under a year.  Regardless, my writing time has been seriously curtailed - I don't know how moms of many littles manage it!

Anyway, I'm back, for now.  I can't promise how regularly I'll be able to "stop in," but hopefully more often than once every six months!

As for specific things that have kept me busy since I last had time or energy or the will to write: I'll share in a few bullet points, and then hope and pray to find the time later to expand on all of these elements.

1) Halloween:  you may or may not celebrate it (I know people in both camps), but I grew up with a dad who was very into the whole pumpkin carving, handing out candy, trick or treating thing, and we were excited for the first year that it made sense to take LW out.  We just went up and down our street - to less than 10 houses - but she had a blast, especially eating the candy once we were home, and my husband and I (true children of the eighties) got a huge kick out of dressing her up as Princess Leia, complete with the "cinnamon bun" hairstyle:

When your two-year-old has the hair of a six-year-old (seriously, it's already down to her waist!), and you take care of that hair on a regular basis, I believe that it is well within your right as a parent to occasionally pin it up in ways that she may not yet understand the point of :)

2) Autumn, and then winter, and Christmas, were lovely.  We've had a curiously snow-less winter in VT: quite seriously, I don't think we've had a single snowstorm with more than a foot of snow, and I can only remember three storms that dropped around six inches.  For most of the winter the ground was bare, and I noticed my crocus buds just beginning to peak through on Jan 31.  Which is kind of ridiculous, and fortunately they've had the good sense to not do much more than that yet.  They are currently covered with about three inches of white stuff that fell two days ago and will likely be gone again in a week.  The skiers and snowboarders (and seasonal tourist businesses) are mourning such a winter, but in truth, I've loved it.  I only enjoy snow for a few weeks anyway, so I haven't minded the lack, and we got enough last winter (here's a photo of our car in our driveway at our old apartment last February):  yes, the snowbanks were quite literally taller than the car)

that I'm actually secretly rejoicing at a winter relatively free of the stuff.  Of course, after saying that, we'll probably get a whole winter worth of accumulation during the months of March, April, and May...

Fortunately, my daughter did get one chance, during the first real "storm" of the year, to build a snowman:

and that's pretty much the only snow event I cared to take part in this year, anyway.

3) Christmas with a two and a half year old, who was finally a little bit cognizant of what the holiday was and could be about, was truly fabulous.  She was so excited about everything - from getting the tree, to the nativity, to presents and visits with family - and it helped us get excited again, too.  Plus, it was our first Christmas in our house, which made it extra special.  Here's a picture of LW and I, right before Christmas Eve Mass, with our extra-lovely tree in the background:

4) LW's "big present" for Christmas was a whole bunch of handmade felt food (I went a little crazy making them, but it was just so much fun!), and a re-purposed entertainment center turned into a mini fridge.  That is all a post for another day, but here's just a teaser of what the fridge looks like (disregard scary basement chaos in the background):

The fridge transformation, plus the felt food, plus lots of other "handmades" for Christmas gifts, kept me very busy during the months of November and December.

5) New Year's day brought some very exciting news: I took a test, and discovered that we were expecting an addition to the family.  A month of highs and lows followed, as we alternately rejoiced over the happy news, and stressed over what this would mean for LW, nursing, co-sleeping, my job, our financial situation, etc.  Sadly, all those fears were resolved in the most disappointing way of all: not by walking through them and seeing how they would all amount to nothing, but by learning on Feb 3 that our baby's heartbeat, seen only a week before, had already stopped.  Fortunately, the news wasn't a complete surprise, since I'd had suspicions from the beginning, having not felt as sick, or tired, as I did with LW

However, there have been some bright spots even so.  An old friendship, lying relatively dormant for years, re-bloomed in the midst of this sadness.  The kindness of some family and friends, even flowers from my very secular workplace, made me feel loved and uplifted.  And reading, meditating, realizing that our second little baby, who will never be forgotten, is now interceding for us, in a very special way, in heaven: little Julian Alexis, named for Blessed Julian of Norwich ("all shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”) and for St. Alexis, a name which put together means "youthful defender".  I've come to strongly realize in the past few weeks exactly what it means to have such an intercessor in heaven - and how clear it has become already that he/she (we won't know our baby's gender for sure till heaven, and I didn't have a strong feeling either way, so we chose a name that could fit either a him or a her) is cheering us on, longing even more than us for our family to eventually be all together.

6) And that brings us to now, and to Lent.  For obvious reasons, I didn't feel very much like having to go through Lent this year.  Inside, I was rebelling: "haven't I suffered, lost, sacrificed enough already! I don't need this right now," and having to fast on Ash Wednesday, when I would have been around 12 weeks pregnant and happily "exempt," felt like another kick in the teeth.  (Of course, I DO still have a nursling, and I actually plan to take it easy on Good Friday because even though LW "doesn't nurse that much" anymore, she still actually probably nurses 4-5 times a day and a goodly bit at night, and I noticed my milk supply TANK on Ash Wednesday and the day after - a good sign that my body does still need nourishment to in turn nourish her).  But as I try to turn my will back to God, and realize that maybe we need Lent most when we feel like we need it least, or when we want it least... I begin to see the ways in which He is trying to shape my heart during this season.  To see what is important and what is not; to realize that I am "dust, and to dust will return," and to hear in those words that dust becomes so much more than dust when it is breathed into and animated by His Spirit; to learn that carrying our crosses means holding them close, and walking after Him even when life is hard.  It is hard medicine, but then again, Lent always is.

So - that is where I (and we) are at these days.  It is not the year I had planned in my mind; I still can't believe that I'm slipping back into my skinny jeans, not pulling out the maternity wardrobe; that I won't be hugely pregnant mid-summer; that sushi and sandwich meat are once again fair game.  What hit home the most a few nights ago was realizing that LW's birth left visible marks on my body - stretch marks that will never go away, whereas Julian's existence (for she/he still exists, and as L'Engle said, "every life is noted and cherished, / And nothing loved is ever lost or perished") has left "stretch marks" only on my heart and soul.  Before we knew I was pregnant, and then even after, I thought about how I would mourn the loss of our perfect three-some family; when I knew that I was miscarrying, some part of me thought we'd just go back to the same as before, but I now know there is no going back.  We aren't a triangle anymore, even though it still looks like it in the world's eyes.   Somewhere, safe in God's arms, is a child who is known and Named by Him...

Not the year I would have planned, but the year He planned, instead.  So be it.  We'll see where else the year takes us.

On a lighter note: stay tuned (though don't hold your breath) for, hopefully, posts on my toddler fridge project, our slowly progressing house improvements, and other sundries.  Until then - a blessed Lent to all - and please pray for us.

Another good verse for today...

This time, reminded by L'Engle, from two of my favorites of her novels - A Small Rain and A Severed Wasp -

"We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - Romans 5:3-5

The rain has finally arrived to take away the heat aside.  After the scorching weather, it sounds a lot like liquid hope :)

All quiet on the northeastern front...

Our landlord had some updates to do on our apartment, so we had to "clear out of dodge" for a few days.  Hence, I'm also clearing out of here for a few days, since we're visiting family and hopefully doing some vacation-y mini-family stuff as well (or as best as can be done, with a 1 year old).

In the meantime, though, I'll leave you with another L'Engle quote that I've been pondering today.  But first, a very abbreviated background of *why* I'm thinking about all these quotes about writing, and who we are, and what we are meant for...

Before college, I wanted to write, and did write, often.  I filled journals with thoughts, I wrote poetry and short stories, and I turned to the fictional friends of my right hand - Emily, Anne, Vicky, & Meg - to help me feel my way through the angst of adolescence.  In college, I wrote term papers, and received good grades, along with lots of encouragement from my professors; I also privately wrote my way through some heartbreaks that were pivotal to forming the person I am today.  I went to graduate school for a brief stint, taught English as a T.A., dropped out due to the complete misery of being too far from family, friends, and my boyfriend (now husband), but kept writing.  After college, I finally published a handful of meditations in a magazine and a few poems, but life got in the way - a whirlwind of engagement, marriage, and new baby temporarily ceased the flow of words, and only recently have I started to put pen to paper again.  But I'm trying to listen to that renewed impulse, which is part of what this blog is about.... and so I'm also reading again, all my favorite authors who taught me that story can show the way to truth, and reading some of those authors (like L'Engle's) own thoughts on writing as well.  So for all of you who have that same creative impulse burning inside - perhaps her words will resonate with you today as well.

"My husband is my most ruthless critic. ... Sometimes he will say, 'It's been said better before.' Of course. It's all been said better before. If I thought I had to say it better than anyone else, I'd never start. Better or worse is immaterial. The thing is that it has to be said; by me; ontologically. We each have to say it, to say it in our own way. Not of our own will, but as it comes through us. Good or bad, great or little: that isn't what human creation is about. It is that we have to try; to put it down in pigment, or words, or musical notations, or we die." L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet

Now - back to quiet I go.  But before I do - a big thank you, to my blog friends, for listening to my attempts to work writing back into my daily life :)

Tuesday ponderings

Today, during a scrumptious LW naptime (complete with tea, a blanket, and a book), I was re-reading Madeleine L'Engle's The Rock That is Higher for the first time in awhile, and the following quote really struck me, so I thought I would share.

"C.S. Lewis points out that our roots are really elsewhere.  True.  But we do not get to that elsewhere except through our journey in this life on this planet.  While we are here we must put down roots so that we will not be uprooted by a passing storm.  The roots may reach down through earthly life to 'elsewhere,' but they have to go through the earth and our life on the earth before getting to 'elsewhere.'  What else does the Incarnation affirm?  Jesus came not to deny life, but to offer life, and life more abundant.  We are not to retreat from life, pinning our hopes on 'elsewhere,' but to know that we will come to that final destination best by living here and now, be it through joy, or pain, or a mix of both."

At the same time, she also acknowledges that

"we are not homesick so much for something that was, and was lost, as for something that will be, and is to be found." 

After LW's nap was over, the paradox of these thoughts kept coming back to me.  How to live in the world, but not of the world, but also to fully realize our humanity in the here and now?  I don't have the answers, and neither did L'Engle (which is part of what I love about her, and why I retreat to her stories when I am confused, or need to try to sort out something that my rational mind cannot solve or see a way through).  I think the answer lies more in the realm of intuition, of faith, of love... and while I don't understand, and didn't come to any profound life altering realization, I did play with my daughter.  And I saw how much sheer joy she finds in discovery, in accomplishment, in little things that I have long since taken for granted and stopped noticing.  I'm not going to say that little children are "humanity as it is supposed to be," for there is certainly much in little children that must mature, and be grown out of, and much work for grace to do.  But there is also something wonderful in little children that we lose as we get older - wonder, and tangible, touchable human-ness, the human-ness not afraid to play, pray, explore, try, believe.  Somehow, I think that it is that sort of living in this world that L'Engle is talking about - not the living in this world that the consumerist culture would advocate (i.e. "live it up!  buy this, that and the other thing; have your affairs, your flings, your high-profile corporate job, your exotic vacations and clothing and car"), nor necessarily even the living that is taking your mind to its highest potential through degrees and scholarly pursuits - but the living that happens, day to day, in the humdrum.  The living that really is loving, connecting, finding out who you are and who others are, and serving each other on this journey.

Anyway, my brain is tired after a long day, so not sure if any of this makes sense... just what's been on my mind today.  I highly recommend L'Engle's book (or any of them, actually) anyway - much good food for thought there.  I don't always agree with her on "facts" but the spirit of what she is saying always resonates deep within, and has that inimitable ring of truth to it.

Wednesday musings

It's been a busy day here. Woke up to rain, which made me very glad that I had done the laundry yesterday. My husband stayed home for an hour to play with LW while I got some work done; then she had a nap and he went off to work, while I did more work. We had some lunch (peas and yogurt for her, PBJ for me) while I made up the grocery list, then in to the office for a quick stop in to sign some papers (even more work) and make an appearance at the quarterly birthday party (side note: the y on our keyboard is acting up. I keep having to go back and hit it twice, so don't mind if you notice a word missing a y!) It was tough getting LW back down for a nap when we got back, as she took one of those dreaded 5 minute "car naps", but now she's sleeping and I finally have a few minutes for a post before my husband comes home and I head off to the grocery store.

Random musings for today:

- Our lettuce is up, and we should be eating it in another week, I think! Time now to plant the rest of everything. It is my first year of having a garden all my own; I did lots of gardening for 4-H growing up, but always with my dad's help. I'm getting a real kick out of raising the plants all by myself (yes, I'm pretty much that person who goes out and checks her plants every day, so excited to see them grow another half an inch)

- I'm loving not using the dryer. It feels so good to know I'm saving money as I hang stuff on the line. Plus it gets me outside on nice days, and is so much less hassle than I thought it would be. I'm hooked.

- I'm also getting hooked on other "green" things. As I said to my husband as we walked to the grocery store last night - I think I'm becoming a hippie. Not the stereotypical pot smoking, unshaven legged hippie; rather, going back to the earth, back to the way things used to be, choosing mindfulness rather than mindlessness.  It started out as a money saving adventure, but more and more I'm realizing that all of our time saving items can end up taking the joy out of life. For instance - dinner really does taste better on the good china, instead of paper plates.  And we appreciate clean dishes and clean laundry more when we've put a little work into it.  Somehow, I'm finding that my body and mind enjoy the real work of housework - scrubbing, folding, washing, etc, leave me more satisfied at the end of the day than a day on the computer or even relaxing watching tv would.  I think this has to do with the idea that our bodies are made to move.  So maybe not really a hippie, but rather, a pioneer woman?

- Also realizing how much the way I think has been influenced by the great writers I grew up reading. Tolkien, Lewis, Montgomery, and especially Madeleine L'Engle. I hope to meet them in heaven, and say thank you.

- Planning to make some creme brulee for dessert tonight. Another thank you to L'Engle for that - because of her, I first dared to make creme brulee:

"Mother was in the kitchen cooking creme brulee. 'I'm like my mother,' she said. 'I cook for therapy. And it's as much of an art form, I believe, as painting or writing or making music.'" - A Ring of Endless Light

Definitely an art form, but also super easy.  We received a lovely little creme brulee torch and ramekins for a bridal shower gift, and I've finally been enjoying putting them to use.  If anyone out there hasn't ever tried creme brulee - here is the super easy recipe that I follow (I halve it, as there are only two of us, which makes four shallow ramekins worth or two deeper ones, and also follow "Chefpeon"'s modifications, on the first comment).  Make it.  You won't regret it :)

- Finally (so quickly, my blogging time has run out!), I've been thinking about how thankful I am for sites like Faith and Family.  Since getting married and having my first baby, I've found it really hard to find like-minded (or even just similarly occupied!) women; none of the local parishes have much in the way of moms groups (maybe that's my hint that I need to start one?), and it is just hard to find friends.  It is strange, how possible it is to live on a street surrounded by other people, and yet never know them by name... makes me kind of want to revert to an Amish way of life.  Oh, to live on Walton mountain..

With which thought, I am off to the grocery store.  Happy "hump" day to everyone!  The weekend is looming back into sight!