Parenting the Spirited Child

Parenting: a topic on which I claim no authority, save for the experience of being in the trenches of motherhood, and learning on the fly what it means to accept your child for who they are.  As the fourth anniversary of my entrance to motherhood rapidly approaches, I wanted to share a few thoughts, ramblings, suggestions, and my own experience of the intense experience of trying to parent a spirited child.

(Note: LW will henceforth be referred to as "Georgie" - short for "Curious Georgina" which is the absolute most fitting name I can think of for her.  For one, she loves all things Curious George; for another, I find myself regularly empathizing with the Man with the Yellow Hat, since Georgie's curious, vivacious, energetic nature leads her to think of doing things that I'm convinced ordinary kids just don't think of.  Like, for instance pouring water into a table lamp "just to see what would happen."  'Nough said.)

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I guessed early on in Georgie's infancy that she was going to be a "high-need" baby.  Of course this wasn't really a surprise to me; I'd been hearing stories my whole life of how "high-need" a baby I'd been, not wanting anyone but my mom to hold me for months on end, screaming bloody murder in the car seat, and nursing well past the one, two, and three year marks.  I suppose as a result I just assumed that my own babies would be high need, and indeed, I don't think I even realized that Georgie's behavior was all that unusual until her little brother came along.  All of a sudden I had a baby who I could lay down and he'd actually, much of the time, not immediately wake upon meeting the sheets; a baby that smiled at strangers instead of responding with an intense, piercing, non-smiling stare; a mellow baby who thus far doesn't seem too much bothered by clothing or sounds or different people.  In contrast, Georgie pretty early on couldn't stand the tags in her shirts, or her socks on "twisty"; hated strong smells, separation, and sounds, and didn't transition easily.  She nursed frequently, and wanted to be held pretty much always, but was an intensely happy baby when she was happy.  

As prepared as I was for the high-need, lots of nursing/little sleep/no separation kind of baby, I was totally not ready for the biting, scratching, intense tantrums that began around 13 months. A high-need, spirited toddler was a whole new beast, and I have to say, I don't think I handled the transition from "meet all their wants immediately, because their wants are needs" to "some wants are now wants, and you're going to have to actually parent them through strong emotions" all that well.  I wavered between being too harsh, and being too soft, lacking consistency, and perhaps as a result, we never really seemed to emerge out of tantrum-land.  Other kids seem to go through phases that are relatively easy and those that are harder; with Georgie, it has sometimes seemed like every new phase is just harder than the last!  This has been especially true since her little brother was born.  The 3.5 months since he arrived have been very long, not because having a newborn again is tough, but because it seems like we've been trying everything under the sun to help Georgie adjust.  Some days are ok, some days are really hard, and some days I want to pen her up in a single room, just so that she can't destroy anything else or poison or electrocute herself.  I rather thought that many of those problems would have eased by this point, since she's old enough to know what things in the house we've said are off limits, but I didn't take into account the fact that she'd eventually reach an age where she was testing EVERY limit that we had stipulated.  Or, if I did, I thought she'd be like 13, not 3, when that happened.  Of course, she's just about to turn four, and I HAVE heard that 3.5 is a notoriously hard age...

All of this, of course, is not to say that I don't LOVE my little girl absolutely to death.  The thing about spirited kids (I'm using Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's term) is that they're just MORE of everything.  In particular, Georgie is MORE energetic, persistent, and intense than her peers.  She has a harder time with transitions, her tantrums are wilder, she has stronger opinions about everything from food to what she's going to wear.  When she loves something, she loves that thing (or person) quite totally; when she plays, she throws herself all the way into play (so much that I think she sort of frightens her not-quite two-year-old cousin, who often doesn't know what to make of her wild laughter, shrieking, and chasing him around the house).  She's the classic "when she was good, she was very very good, and when she was bad she was horrid" kind of child.  When she is happy or excited, she is a total joy to be around: witty, funny, insightful, and intensely creative/curious.  Hence the "Curious Georgina": she gets into everything simply because she wants to know how it all works, and wants to build new things from everything she finds.  She's the kid whose sense of style is wide enough to encompass the backwards dress over the pair of pants with sneakers for church (and oh yes, she might just bring an ant in a jar with her to Mass).  I love all of these things about her, because it is so clear that she is following her own fiery personality, which I know the world will all too soon try to stamp out.  I know that all of her qualities, if cultivated and tamed properly, will be wonderful ones to have in an adult: who doesn't want their child to grow up to be curious, inventive, persistent in the face of challenges, hold fast to their own convictions, follow their own style and interests, etc?!  

The only problem comes when you think about these things in the context of trying to shape and mold a person with all those characteristics who is still chronologically a preschooler.  Trying to erect safe fences of rationality, empathy, listening to authority, and common sense around the good and the bad of her innate personality sometimes feels like an impossible task, and I often - like, every single day, pretty much - feel like I'm failing at the job.  Sometimes it gets so bad that I think she'd be better off in preschool - that maybe they could "do more with her" - but then I remind myself that she'd likely be labeled a problem child or ADD, and that it's not likely we'd find a teacher as empathetic to the "potential" of good within her.  So we keep on keeping on.

So, for those of you who may have spirited children as well, and who are perhaps struggling, feeling worn out, misunderstood, and like the worst parent on the block, here are just a few things that ARE working for us:

1)  Read every positive parenting book you can get your hands on.  The following titles I've found particularly helpful, but if you know of one that I've missed, PLEASE feel free to suggest it to me!

• Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic
• Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids
• Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents' Guide to Raising Almost Perfect Kids
• Let the Baby Drive: Navigating the Road of New Motherhood
• How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will, Too!
• Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting

2) Start every day with a quick prayer for patience.  This actually should be #1 on the list!

3) Establish a daily routine.  This is hard for me, because as a spirited person myself who isn't highly routinized, I find it hard to actually do things in the same order every day (not hard in the sense of annoying, but hard in the sense of I forget to try to do so!)  For instance, bedtime seems to slide later and later, then we rein it back in, then it slides later again.  Recently, I actually posted a schedule on our fridge with approximate times and pictures of our daily activities, so that Georgie could look at it and have a sense of where we were at in the day... however, I think it actually helps me more than her, because it reminds me that if it's noon, we SHOULD be having lunch right now, or if it's 8, I need to be getting her ready for bed.  It also helps remind me that while it may seem easier to let her eat in front of the T.V. or in the living room "just this once" rather than gently encourage her to come sit at the kitchen table, when we actually sit at the table for meals she eats better, and thus her blood sugar stays more stable, and our day goes better.

4) Try to see the humor and find the positive in every situation.  This does NOT come naturally to me, and I've found parenting Georgie to be, thus far, the best spiritual discipline (discipline like being taken out back with a switch!) I've ever encountered.  I lose my temper way, way, too easily: it took having a three-year-old to come to terms with that fact, and admit that I need to work on this flaw every single day.  The fact is, though, that when I can just laugh about things, or at least bite my tongue long enough to realize that this spill, or this mess, or this delay doesn't matter in the grand scheme, then we actually can get past it (get cleaned up, get where we are going) much, much faster than if I, in my harsh reaction, instigate a tantrum on her part.

5) Similar to 4, try to make everything possible into a game.  If she runs away from tooth brushing, I try to make it into a game.  Trouble at mealtime?  NOTHING has worked as well for us as to make mealtime into a descriptive, culinary experience.  Instead of hounding your child about how many bites they need to eat, try describing the food as YOU eat it, then encourage them to have a small bite and describe it.  We just started this recently, and it's absolutely amazing how Georgie has begun to try new foods and describe them, and actually seems to be enjoying eating for once!  However, I have to admit that I'm still really bad at this.  A large part of the lack of cooperation and peace in our household seems to stem from the fact that I am constantly trying to run through the day like a checklist, trying to just efficiently jog down my list of "to-do's"... which is a recipe for disaster when you have a child with the energy level (and need for stimulation) of your average Labrador retriever.

6) Cultivate affection for and connection with your child.  It's sort of the same principle as when you're having a hard time with your spouse: you have to remember why you fell in love with them, and put yourself in a position to do so, again.  For us, that's meant finding activities that we both enjoy and can get engaged in; this works because a) when she's engaged in an activity, she's not doing something else that pushes my buttons, and b) we get to bond over shared interests.  No one told me this before she was born, but sometimes, when you go through a long period of behavioral frustrations with a child, that becomes all you can see in them, which leads to a self-perpetuating cycle: you give them less attention because you are frustrated with them, they act up to gain attention, and things get worse and worse.  Short-circuiting the process by finding lots of opportunities for your child to show off their most positive qualities really does help boost your sense of affection towards them, which leads to more affectionate actions, which in turn makes them feel happier, more secure, and thus act more positively all the way around.

6) Finally: try, try again.  If something doesn't work, try something else.  Don't give up, and (I say this for my own benefit as much as anyone else's) don't be too hard on yourself.  As Lu Hanessian says, "There are things our children need to learn that we never think to teach them".  This includes how to say "I'm sorry," and the fact that we all are human, we make mistakes, we are imperfect.  It is O.K. for you to be an imperfect parent, a person-in-progress, just as it is for them.  Let your child be a child in your eyes... and try to model for them being a person in charge of your own emotions and actions, but failing that, be a model of apologizing, fixing mistakes, and forgiveness.

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Anyway, we definitely don't have it close to figured out in our house: I'm pretty sure I'm getting grey hairs, and Georgie hasn't even turned four yet.  Mostly I wanted to share all of this because I've quite often felt like being a parent is by far the hardest thing I've EVER had to do, and yet I'm surrounded by friends who have "easy" kids, which can really make you wonder if you're doing something wrong or are just horribly inept at being a parent.  I know others of you out there DO struggle with similar challenges and doubts, so I wanted to say, come, sit, have a virtual cup of tea with me, and know that you're not alone!

Also, if you have any parenting suggestions for what has worked with your own spirited kid, please, please, please share them!  As I said, things are very much a work-in-progress in our house, and I could use all the help, advice, or just plain commiseration I can get :)

(and, as should be my ending caveat with any post from here on out, my apologies for any typos or incoherence - I'm generally nursing/balancing a three-month-old/fending off a four-year-old at any given moment of writing, not to mention having a horribly scrambled postpartum mommy-brain.  Whatever literary skills I once possessed have pretty definitely.. disappeared, as evidenced by the fact that I can't even think of a witty metaphor to describe where they've gone).