Anyway, I'm back, for now. I can't promise how regularly I'll be able to "stop in," but hopefully more often than once every six months!
As for specific things that have kept me busy since I last had time or energy or the will to write: I'll share in a few bullet points, and then hope and pray to find the time later to expand on all of these elements.
1) Halloween: you may or may not celebrate it (I know people in both camps), but I grew up with a dad who was very into the whole pumpkin carving, handing out candy, trick or treating thing, and we were excited for the first year that it made sense to take LW out. We just went up and down our street - to less than 10 houses - but she had a blast, especially eating the candy once we were home, and my husband and I (true children of the eighties) got a huge kick out of dressing her up as Princess Leia, complete with the "cinnamon bun" hairstyle:
When your two-year-old has the hair of a six-year-old (seriously, it's already down to her waist!), and you take care of that hair on a regular basis, I believe that it is well within your right as a parent to occasionally pin it up in ways that she may not yet understand the point of :)
2) Autumn, and then winter, and Christmas, were lovely. We've had a curiously snow-less winter in VT: quite seriously, I don't think we've had a single snowstorm with more than a foot of snow, and I can only remember three storms that dropped around six inches. For most of the winter the ground was bare, and I noticed my crocus buds just beginning to peak through on Jan 31. Which is kind of ridiculous, and fortunately they've had the good sense to not do much more than that yet. They are currently covered with about three inches of white stuff that fell two days ago and will likely be gone again in a week. The skiers and snowboarders (and seasonal tourist businesses) are mourning such a winter, but in truth, I've loved it. I only enjoy snow for a few weeks anyway, so I haven't minded the lack, and we got enough last winter (here's a photo of our car in our driveway at our old apartment last February): yes, the snowbanks were quite literally taller than the car)
Fortunately, my daughter did get one chance, during the first real "storm" of the year, to build a snowman:
and that's pretty much the only snow event I cared to take part in this year, anyway.
3) Christmas with a two and a half year old, who was finally a little bit cognizant of what the holiday was and could be about, was truly fabulous. She was so excited about everything - from getting the tree, to the nativity, to presents and visits with family - and it helped us get excited again, too. Plus, it was our first Christmas in our house, which made it extra special. Here's a picture of LW and I, right before Christmas Eve Mass, with our extra-lovely tree in the background:
4) LW's "big present" for Christmas was a whole bunch of handmade felt food (I went a little crazy making them, but it was just so much fun!), and a re-purposed entertainment center turned into a mini fridge. That is all a post for another day, but here's just a teaser of what the fridge looks like (disregard scary basement chaos in the background):
The fridge transformation, plus the felt food, plus lots of other "handmades" for Christmas gifts, kept me very busy during the months of November and December.
5) New Year's day brought some very exciting news: I took a test, and discovered that we were expecting an addition to the family. A month of highs and lows followed, as we alternately rejoiced over the happy news, and stressed over what this would mean for LW, nursing, co-sleeping, my job, our financial situation, etc. Sadly, all those fears were resolved in the most disappointing way of all: not by walking through them and seeing how they would all amount to nothing, but by learning on Feb 3 that our baby's heartbeat, seen only a week before, had already stopped. Fortunately, the news wasn't a complete surprise, since I'd had suspicions from the beginning, having not felt as sick, or tired, as I did with LW
However, there have been some bright spots even so. An old friendship, lying relatively dormant for years, re-bloomed in the midst of this sadness. The kindness of some family and friends, even flowers from my very secular workplace, made me feel loved and uplifted. And reading, meditating, realizing that our second little baby, who will never be forgotten, is now interceding for us, in a very special way, in heaven: little Julian Alexis, named for Blessed Julian of Norwich ("all shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”) and for St. Alexis, a name which put together means "youthful defender". I've come to strongly realize in the past few weeks exactly what it means to have such an intercessor in heaven - and how clear it has become already that he/she (we won't know our baby's gender for sure till heaven, and I didn't have a strong feeling either way, so we chose a name that could fit either a him or a her) is cheering us on, longing even more than us for our family to eventually be all together.
6) And that brings us to now, and to Lent. For obvious reasons, I didn't feel very much like having to go through Lent this year. Inside, I was rebelling: "haven't I suffered, lost, sacrificed enough already! I don't need this right now," and having to fast on Ash Wednesday, when I would have been around 12 weeks pregnant and happily "exempt," felt like another kick in the teeth. (Of course, I DO still have a nursling, and I actually plan to take it easy on Good Friday because even though LW "doesn't nurse that much" anymore, she still actually probably nurses 4-5 times a day and a goodly bit at night, and I noticed my milk supply TANK on Ash Wednesday and the day after - a good sign that my body does still need nourishment to in turn nourish her). But as I try to turn my will back to God, and realize that maybe we need Lent most when we feel like we need it least, or when we want it least... I begin to see the ways in which He is trying to shape my heart during this season. To see what is important and what is not; to realize that I am "dust, and to dust will return," and to hear in those words that dust becomes so much more than dust when it is breathed into and animated by His Spirit; to learn that carrying our crosses means holding them close, and walking after Him even when life is hard. It is hard medicine, but then again, Lent always is.
So - that is where I (and we) are at these days. It is not the year I had planned in my mind; I still can't believe that I'm slipping back into my skinny jeans, not pulling out the maternity wardrobe; that I won't be hugely pregnant mid-summer; that sushi and sandwich meat are once again fair game. What hit home the most a few nights ago was realizing that LW's birth left visible marks on my body - stretch marks that will never go away, whereas Julian's existence (for she/he still exists, and as L'Engle said, "every life is noted and cherished, / And nothing loved is ever lost or perished") has left "stretch marks" only on my heart and soul. Before we knew I was pregnant, and then even after, I thought about how I would mourn the loss of our perfect three-some family; when I knew that I was miscarrying, some part of me thought we'd just go back to the same as before, but I now know there is no going back. We aren't a triangle anymore, even though it still looks like it in the world's eyes. Somewhere, safe in God's arms, is a child who is known and Named by Him...
Not the year I would have planned, but the year He planned, instead. So be it. We'll see where else the year takes us.
On a lighter note: stay tuned (though don't hold your breath) for, hopefully, posts on my toddler fridge project, our slowly progressing house improvements, and other sundries. Until then - a blessed Lent to all - and please pray for us.
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