Contentment versus Discontent: Part Deux

I've been reflecting further on the nature of contentment, and how to get there from the land of discontent, and I've come up with the following.  I'm sure my "solution," if you can call it such, since I guarantee it's a battle I'll fight repeatedly my whole life long, is nothing new or particularly inventive.  But as I've been able to find a small measure of peace through a change in attitude and practices,  I thought I'd share, since you were all so kind as to comment, offer suggestions, and mostly just empathize with the feeling of not being quite where you want.

First - the back story, part one, can be found here:

Not wanting to wallow all Fall in a bog of disappointment, disillusionment, and discouragement (oh, those nasty "dis" words), I've adopted a three pronged approach that seems to be offering some measure of consolation:

1) Re-examine and remind myself of all the blessings and provision that God *has* provided, in His good time.  These blessings have been either gratuitous, in that we didn't need them but were very happy to receive just the same, or utterly fortuitous, because we really needed His provision to come through, and it did.  The list gets long when I really stop and think about it - a loving (and humorous) husband, a beautiful daughter, good jobs for both of us that have allowed us to have a lot of flexibility, and have allowed me to be home with our daughter; families that love us; good educations, great friends both near and far.  Everything that we have needed, He has provided, with a goodly measure of non-needs at the same time.  Part of step one is also realizing that this very apartment, that we want to move out of, is among the many blessings we have received.  Indeed, the fact that the oil furnace broke, necessitating replacement, and more importantly prompting our landlord to replace our expensive electric water heater with (cheaper) on demand hot water is proof that God is watching out for us, even when it isn't necessarily what we're wanting.

In this same vein, I've examined why exactly we want a house so badly, and whether it is currently a want, or a need, and have found that it is still truly the former.  Our current apartment, while small, is fine for a family of three with the newest member still co-sleeping in our bed.  We do have a second bedroom, even, that can be converted to LW's room if we end up here for a goodly length more time.  It would be tight with two little ones, but not as tight as my parents made do with when we were small (a single-wide trailer with an addition, until I was five, while my dad was building our house).  We'd like a house because financially it makes more sense long term; because we'd like a place to sink our roots and really call home; because we'd like a yard, and the ability to grow much more of our food.  But for the time being, a want it is.

2) Examine what is "lacking" in our current living space, and address it, where financially feasible.  When we moved into our apartment, we didn't know for how long it was going to be; we were hoping to buy a house once our one-year lease expired.  We've now been here well over two years, and some of the assumptions that we made going into it have proven false.  For instance, we've chose to make do with the old $40 carpet I'd bought at Staples for a former apartment, figuring it didn't make sense to buy something nicer.  We made do with a cardboard box at first for a DVD stand, until our landlord kindly donated his old one when he purchased a bigger TV.  Fortunately, I did yield to Jim's better judgment in the matter of blinds and shades for the windows - if it had been up to me, I probably would have done without, figuring "we're not going to be here for long."  But in the meantime, this attitude has made us unconsciously act as though this isn't really our home - and has thus increased our feeling of discontentment with where we're at.

So, I've been looking around our home, and seeing the places where we could make it a little bit more homey.  Some of these touches are small - I'm planning to make a nice shower curtain, and some new curtains for our kitchen.  Some are bigger - it really is time to get a new rug for our living room at the least, and perhaps the bedroom as well.  We'd love to get a small flat screen TV that could hang on the wall and free up more floor space (as well as keeping the buttons out of the reach of inquisitive fingers - our current model, a TV I bought back when I was still a teenager, has had to be retrofitted with a cardboard panel taped over the buttons).  However that is a much bigger purchase, and requires a lot more evaluation.  The key, as far as I'm concerned, is mostly small additions that can eventually carry over to the house we buy when the timing is right.

It isn't all purchases, either: we've been very much living, the last few months especially, as though we were going to move.  This has meant not bothering to keep some small areas of our house (cupboards, closets) tidy.  Today I went through and attacked as many "culch" areas as I could, and the house really does feel better for it.  I'll go through the kitchen cabinets sometime soon as well.

3) Finally, realize that the feeling of want that I'm experiencing is really about something deeper, and even finding that perfect house wouldn't actually assuage it.  C.S. Lewis says it best, in The Weight of Glory: 

 "If a transtemporal, transfinite good is our real destiny, then any other good on which our desire fixes must be in some degree fallacious, must bear at best only a symbolical relation to what will truly satisfy,"

and also,

"The books or the music [or house!] in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.

I've been forced to learn this lesson repeatedly in the past, especially when longing for a romantic relationship that was yet to be, or nostalgically missing a person or place from the past.  The real longing is for the joy those people or places, or that desired relationship, did or would bring into my life; joy that is a foretaste of heaven, but that exists only in so far as I keep seeking heaven, and don't seek those things in themselves.  When I've gone back to those places looking for that same joy, I find exactly what Lewis says: it is not there.  In the past, I've counseled myself to remember that what I'm really longing for is heaven, and to therefore seek God with all my heart in order to one day experience the real fulfillment of that want.  So really, that is the be all, end all, cure to wanting a house: to realize that I'm not really wanting an earthly house, so much as my heavenly home.  And in the meantime, to accept God's daily provision, and trust that He'll provide a bigger space, and earth to sink our roots into, when the time really is right.

My apologies for the LONG post, but I really wanted to share :)

Late September

The seemingly endless, hot days of summer have given way to cool, rainy, cloudy fall.  The leaves are slowly turning, and my garden has put forth its last fruits.  Technically, the fruits really ended, for all intensive purposes, a while back; the garden fell into disheveledness sometime in August, but I did make a valiant attempt at reinvigorating it a few weeks ago.  I cut off the all the tomato vines that were showing signs of early blight, pulled out all the squash plants, took down the pea fence and vines, and raked, mostly so that our landlords wouldn't be unhappy with us for bringing down the eye-appeal of their lawn.  The side-benefit was that the hot peppers put out enough of a final effort so that I was able to can two tiny half-pints of pickled peppers yesterday.

(I then spent all last evening with my hands *on fire* because I scoffed at the warnings to use rubber gloves while handling the peppers.  Never again!)

This is what fall looks like in my kitchen:

Essentially, my already non-existent counter space is completely overwhelmed with food preserving equipment - and, of course, coffee.

Apple butter in the crock pot, spearmint in the dehydrator; I dried nearly my entire bush of sage as well, leaving enough to bring some inside to see if it will last the winter. 

Two half-pints of pickled peppers, three one-pint zip lock bags of oven-dried cherry tomatoes, a jar of spearmint, a jar of sage; a summer's worth of lettuce and tomatoes for salad, enough peas for two rounds of pea-potato soup, plus a few dinner servings of snap pea pods; overwhelming amounts of summer squash, basil, sage, and chives; and one or two sweet peppers.  That is pretty much the tally of what our little garden plot yielded this summer.  I'm not sure if we really saved any money, but I had a lot of fun in the process, and I look forward to trying again next summer - I'll definitely know better what to focus on, and how much is enough, too little, or too much of various plants.

As for produce that I didn't plant, but did preserve: a bushel of apples yielded nine 4-oz jars of butter, 5 crisps, and enough extras for eating.  We also have the rhubarb marmalade jam from earlier in the year (my new favorite), and ginger peach jam (also good, but we have enough that some will probably make its way into Christmas baskets).

Anyway, I never expected to get that much canning done with a 15 month underfoot, so I'm pleased, and happy to hang up the apron for the winter.  Now I can turn my eyes to other crafty pursuits, such as Christmas presents.  I've already pumped out two skirts and a dress for myself, and a skirt for LW, but I'm sure there's more sewing on the horizon.



LW modeling her skirt.  Blurry because I had to snap quick in order to run across the room to save her.  This is what is *really* keeping me busy lately - she's developed quite a love for climbing.



Besides crafting, I'm turning my leisure time more towards reading again, and contemplating, and hopefully, more writing.

And coffee.  Lots of coffee.  Something about the light of morning creeping later and later into the day, and the grey weather, and my daughter's reluctance to nap, combined with my never-ending need to get work done, has me drinking large amounts of the stuff.  It doesn't do a ton of good because I can't really tolerate anything that isn't decaf, but there is a psychological boost just the same.  I blame my cousin for getting me hooked while she was here; there was something lovely about having a morning coffee quietly appear as I dug into my day's computer work.  The joke is on her though because it's a lot harder to come by coffee where she'll be for the next year :)

I have further thoughts on the nature of contentment vs. discontent, but I'll save those for a post all their own - I've been all over the map enough for one post already :)

Finally - I just heard that one of my favorite spiritual writers died on Sunday: Fr. Thomas Dubay.  If you haven't read any of his books, I highly recommend The Evidential Power of Beauty, and Happy Are You Poor.  Say a prayer for the repose of his soul!  Our loss is heaven's gain.

Contentment versus Discontent

I don't have time for a long post at the moment, but this is something I've been struggling with lately (OK, maybe I've been struggling with it my whole life?):  how to be content in the moment, content with God's provision for Right Now rather than looking to the future or the past for something that isn't Right Now.

At the moment, the "want" that is currently unfulfilled is that of a house to call our own; we've been looking and looking, and are finally coming to the conclusion that we may need to put the search on hold for the time being, because financially it just doesn't feel like the right moment. With LW's tooth problems, there may be some big medical expenses coming up, and it was a financially rough summer with lots of weddings, miscellaneous car repairs, and random (yet somehow large ticket) other items that had to be taken care of.   We probably could swing it, but I've found myself riddled with doubt, anxiety, and an extreme lack of peace about the decision, all good indications that the way has not yet been opened for us to move forward.  I feel more at peace in one sense about waiting, but at the same time, waiting leaves me in an uncomfortable place of unfulfilled "want".

However, it's not the first, or doubtless the last, "want" that I'll experience.  For a long time, it was a relationship; then engagement, marriage, a child.  Of course, right now I'd love to go back and be in one of those places of "want" again instead, because I can now see how He provided those blessings all in good time.  He is ever faithful, and in the same manner, I know He'll provide a place to really call our own when the time is right - yet this doesn't stop me from looking longingly at what others have, even jealously and oftentimes bitterly at the means that He's given others to live with, and to live just a bit more easily than we do.

And yet, when I really stop and look at it, I can see how, like the manna in the desert, He has been providing everything we need, right when we needed it.  Perhaps He's working on teaching us to trust a bit more, and the house will come along when we really need it, when we begin splitting the seams of this apartment rather than when we're mostly wistfully thinking of all the perks of home ownership.

I guess it just comes down to trusting the Hand that is leading us, even when the way is dark.  I feel like I've lived through this lesson over, and over, and over again in the last several years, but there must be some purpose still left in it; who was it that said, "You learn more from climbing the same mountain a hundred times, than from climbing a hundred different mountains?"

When I stop and really look at how I'm feeling, too, I begin to feel really guilty for feeling discontent.  So many in the world go without nearly all the creature comforts that I enjoy, so how dare I feel bad because we can't buy a house, or because money is tight?  After all, money doesn't determine happiness. And we are happy, taking joy in the growth of our little girl, in our marriage, in family, friends, the beautiful state we live in, and all sorts of non-money related little pursuits.  Still, the itch is there - the itch for more, better, to have something that I currently don't have.  Consumerism lives deep within, hard as I may try to weed it out.

Ironically, the best way that I've found to deal with this particular itch is a two-pronged approach of focusing on the real, concrete blessings that God has bestowed (and how providentially He has provided every step of the way), while at the same time practicing a bit of detachment - getting rid of things I've been holding on to, and denying myself in little ways to restore my focus on where I should be storing my treasure up.  It's a dual watering/pruning approach, and it does work, but still growth comes slowly, grudgingly, like roots through concrete.

Anyone else experience these sorts of feelings?  Any practical advice for learning patience when it comes to things like houses and finances?  I find that I can so quickly fall from discontentment to outright discouragement, because it so often seems like some of the dreams I have are years away, if they indeed will ever be realized.  Then again, this very week three years ago, I never could have guessed that marriage and baby were literally only months away.  I've experienced the darkness before the dawn enough to know that quite often, when I start feeling like this, good things are just around the corner, if only I can be patient enough to allow them to unfold.

In two places at one time...

Nope - I haven't learned how to bi-locate.  But you can find me over at Catholic Mothers Online today, with a guest post about one of my newest favorite novels: In This House of Brede, by Rumer Godden.  Stop on by and say hi, and check out the blog roll of other Catholic moms while you're there!

Thankful for blessings in disguise...

While it may not have looked any quieter than usual around here the last few days, it was actually a lot quieter (well, less Internet-y) in my home.  This is because on Monday night, I turned on my computer only to discover that a virus was wreaking havoc with my ability to do any sort of searching with any of the major search engines. 

This could, and should, have been a huge hassle, given that the computer affected was my work computer, and I telecommute.  Coupled with my husband's computer being dead due to a broken power cord (a replacement, courtesy of my lovely cousin, will be arriving this weekend), it could have meant disaster.  As it turned out, it did mean a couple of days of lost productivity that I'll have to make up in one way or another in the coming weeks.  However, it was also a huge blessing, because it forced me to take a real break from the distractions that so often keep me from taking real breaks. 

For two days, I couldn't check my email, surf the net, Google for recipes, or read other people's blogs.  I couldn't research houses or peruse Facebook.  Rather, my options were to read a book, sip coffee, clean the house, or play with my little one.  When she was napping, my options were limited to the first three.

Therefore - after a two day, Internet-free "vacation" - my house is very clean, and more importantly, I feel very rested.  I didn't get any more physical sleep than usual, in fact perhaps less, but I experienced a rest from the temptation to distraction that the Internet so often represents for me.  It is just so easy, when given an hour's break, or even ten minutes, to spend it researching this, shopping for that, reading, navigating, etc, and I couldn't believe how often I caught myself thinking "I'll just go check..."  But of course I couldn't, which was the whole blessing of it; when I have the ability to do all those things, I end up frittering away my few moments of peace, and feel less rested after than before. 

So, after a few days' break, I definitely appreciate some of the very good things of the Internet more, like the ability to have a recipe instantly at my finger tips, my calendar and people's phone #'s just a click away, and the social connections.  However, I also have a renewed sense of understanding for how good it is just to step away; to close the computer and soak up a good book, or a few minutes listening to the radio or even the wind outside. 

In light of this discovery, my husband and I are seriously contemplating making Sundays "Internet-free" days, so that at least once a week, we can unplug, relax, and enjoy the real world outside without the constant allure of information at our fingertips.  I think this would be a really good thing for our mental health, our daughter's formation, and also for our relationship.

I do recognize the irony of blogging about unplugging, but I thought I'd share.  Try it - unplug for an hour or a day (and I mean, really unplug - no cheating!), and see what I mean.  See how often the thought to check something crosses your mind; if you are like me, first it will feel very uncomfortable, and then you'll realize how much more uncomfortable you are with having the Internet hold such power over you, and you'll find something better to do.  In my case, that meant a great book (The Fellowship of the Ring), which of course must be accompanied by an appropriate snack (wedge of cheese, apple, mug of coffee); for you, the form of relaxation may be different but the point is the same.  Unplug, and enjoy something tangible for awhile; I promise you'll come back to the Net a healthier person for it.

Let me pick my jaw up from the floor so I can post about this...

My little girl actually asked for a nap for the first time ever today.  Sure, it was all non-verbal communication - toddling into the bedroom, vocally complaining that I wasn't in there, coming to the living room to find me, holding her arms up with an emphatic "dah!" to ask to be picked up, pointing to the bedroom from the vantage point of my arms, pointing to the bed, and then when put down, signing milk and rubbing her eyes.  However, coming from a baby who I generally have to fight with to get to nap, the above sequence (so deliberately enacted) is nothing short of remarkable.  I momentarily thought I'd wandered into some weird alternate universe, but no; just my baby, slowly growing up day by day.

Win some, lose some..

It is still very, very busy in our household, and hence still very, very quiet in my blog realm.  I'm starting to make some "back to school" type modifications (not that anyone in our house is back to school, but as fall sets in , a greater sense of order and stability seems to go along with it, which I associate with "school time").  One of these changes is getting dinner on the table by 6:30 instead of 7, and then LW in bed by 8:30 instead of 9+.  I'm hoping to push bedtime back even earlier once daylight savings rolls around, but for now we'll take what we can get :)

Anyway, I don't have time (surprise, surprise - but I promise I will again someday!  Blogging is about fifth on my to-do-list each day and I just never quite get there) for a long post.  But I thought I'd share a couple of this week's wins and also losses:

First, in the category of losses, fails, or "things I hate":

1)  The lawnmower starting up outside and prematurely waking LW from a nap.  It happens at least once a week, I have no control over it, and it makes me want to kick something.
2)  Hot sticky weather that makes it almost impossible to get LW to nap in the first place, and shortens her already short span of patience.  I'm convinced that being overheated is contributing to her new found problem behaviors of scratching and biting (me, and also herself... poor little girl has started biting her *own* fingers when she gets frustrated.  It is kind of heartbreaking to see)
3) The grand finale of "fails" for the week, and of things I hate, or that make me want to kick something:  last night I went into our bedroom to a t-shirt after putting LW down for bed.  I obviously didn't want to turn on the light, so I wandered around in the pitch black.  I went to bend to reach the bottom shelf of my bureau.. unfortunately not realizing that I'd left the second to top drawer open, which I hit, full force, with my mouth.  BAM instant punctured, fat lip.  Today I am sporting the "tattooed lipstick/collagen implant" look, very naturally.
4)  A bonus fail for the week - I was working on making a plaid skirt for the fall, perfectly matched the plaids only to not take into account that the pattern, which had multiple seams, was going to make weird chevrons in obvious and unintentional places.  I'm not very happy with the result.

However, the week hasn't been a total loss:

1)  I managed to complete a guest post that I needed to submit by Sept 1st, and was even happy with it.
2)  I've been putting my crockpot to good use, to try to have less hassle at dinnertime, which has mostly been a success.  I need to find better recipes, but it is definitely easier to fix things early in the day and then just eat dinner, rather than cooking for an hour, then eating, then all the cleanup.
3)  We have actually managed to have dinner at the desired time all week, which has left time for an after dinner walk (instituted as a habit last week, when my cousin was visiting, and a tradition that we'll hopefully keep up until the weather gets prohibitively cold; LW gets all excited as soon as we ask her if she wants to go for a walk).
4)  Bonus win for the week: managing to find the time to sit down and write this post.  Yay for finally knocking off that fifth thing on the to-do-list!

Crock-pot recipes, anyone?  Or advice on how to soothe frustrated toddlers?