Last week, I got artsy and made this for our bedroom wall:
We needed "something" on that wall, but there was more, in this moment of time, behind my decision to choose this particular quote. I've often repeated Fortescue's "Comparisons are odious" (thanks go to Madeleine L'Engle for ingraining this in my memory and mind) to myself, but I think I like Roosevelt's "Comparison is the thief of joy" even better, because it more completely sums up what comparing does in one's life: it really does steal joy. And I needed, really, really needed, something tangible to remind me of this right now. Why, you might ask? Well... for the very simple reason that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law just bought a gorgeous new house. I am SO happy for them - it was a long time coming, they've made a lot of sacrifices to get to this place, and it is a wonderful change and opportunity for them (not to mention, I look forward to hanging out with them in their great new space!) That being said, though, I've found it a REAL challenge to "keep my eyes on my own work" and not be absolutely overcome with envy of this great space that they now have. Now, just to be clear, this isn't the sort of envy that wants them NOT to have it; rather, an intense feeling of inadequacy in our home space, of wishing we had similar amenities for ourselves and our kids, not at all a desire for our beloved family NOT to have those things or any ill will towards them for having them. But it IS hard not to covet the things that they have, and that is where comparison comes in: until they bought this beautiful, to my eyes giant, new space, I was totally content (or, at least almost totally) in my own home. Sure, it's a fixer-upper and not to everyone's taste. It was built in the 50's and is in keeping with the smaller footprint of those days; around 1300 square feet, no expansive rooms, no dining room and the eat-in kitchen is quite small, as are the bathrooms. It's got a lot of rough edges and while we've done a lot of work on it already (with even more planned for the coming weekend - we're overhauling the main bathroom, new floors, new paint, new vanity and medicine cabinet, etc), the "to-do" list is still a mile long, with essentials like new windows, a new door that doesn't require being duct-taped shut in the winter, and electrical overhauls all on there. But it is full of character, reminds me a ton of my grandparents' home, and has a lot of real benefits for us, such as being walking distance from nearly everything you could need (seriously - yarn store, fabric store, hardware store, garden store, grocery store, post office, Big Lots, Hallmark, two florists, two drug stores, a shoe/running store, two ice cream stands, the library, a deli, the farmer's market, several parks, just to name SOME of what we can easily walk to). Despite being "in the middle of town" in that sense, we live on a quiet street, and with the exception of the train that goes through our backyard, there is minimal traffic noise. The space isn't huge but it does have four bedrooms so our family can expand as it needs; the utilities aren't high, and we love our little backyard even if it isn't the 5 acres I once dreamed of.
So what is the problem? Well, when you compare our place with all its rough edges to someone else's.. that's where the trouble starts, and truly, as we moved our family into their new space, it's all I could see. We don't have a sun porch, or a deck, or two fireplaces (or even one). We don't have a rec room and a living room, nor a space big enough to really host holiday gatherings. We don't have a swing set, or a huge driveway for my kids to play on. The list could go on and on, of all the things we don't have, instead of those that we do. However, after falling down into the realms of unhappiness because of this (and I mean, really, being eaten up with that feeling for awhile) God has kindly reminded me of the antidote, which requires nothing more than the discipline to practice it consistently. The solution is simply focusing on the blessings in my life, rather than any perceived lack, and remembering that these blessings are given like manna from above, sufficient to my needs if not to all my wants.
And the blessings, when I stop to really reflect on it, are so many! I've been given the unbelievable gift (though not everyone would see it this way) of living what I call "the slow life," which is exactly what I WANT to be doing deep down. I have the freedom every day to walk to the places I need to go, instead of driving (in fact, because we currently are choosing to have only one vehicle, I mostly have to walk rather than drive...) This has physical benefits (I definitely don't have to count calories!) as well as mental ones (it's a good deal more relaxing to walk than to drive, and a great stress-reliever), and I believe it will install good values in my children. It also limits my shopping to those things that I really want or need, because if you have to put in physical effort to get there, and strategize how you'll carry things back, it naturally limits the things you buy. I have the luxury of being at home with my kids, even if it doesn't feel like a luxury every moment of the day. We also have the financial freedom that comes from a smaller mortgage - the knowledge that if my husband lost his job, we wouldn't have to come up with "as much" as many of our peers. Sometimes it feels quite strange and counter-cultural to be counting as blessings the very things that my grandparents' generation was happy to do away with. For instance, the highlight of my weekend (other than my daughter's fourth birthday party, of course) was that my dad built us a fabulous, sturdy clothesline:
I've wanted one since long before we bought our house, and it's taken us three summers to finally make it a reality, but I can now easily hang our clothes to dry. In this age of convenience, it definitely isn't typical to eschew the clothes dryer in favor of the work of hanging out the laundry. In fact, in a lot of neighborhoods, it's consider rather low-class and therefore a bit taboo. But like walking everywhere, it's relaxing, saves $$, and is way better for the planet (sunshine is free, and gentle to the earth). And this is the life that I chose, and that I continue to choose every day: a life where my to-do list includes things like making my own granola, baking sourdough bread, hanging the laundry and washing the diapers. The list probably isn't any shorter than most moms - in fact, sometimes it is longer, and the amount of time I spend on tasks like putting bread on the table is much closer to how long it would take my great-grandparents to do that thing, rather than my friends (after all, it isn't the culmination of three days work to grab a loaf of bread at the store). Yet the process of doing these things, of living at a slower pace, brings great joy, and thus is incomparably more "worth it" than the perhaps "more convenient" path from a to b. Of course, that's not to say I don't choose convenience much of the time. For instance, I use the microwave quite a lot, and am quite happy to have a clothes dryer to use when we need something quick. I'm glad I don't have to gather firewood every day, and milk my own cow, or generate my own electricity. In those things where I can "make my own" though there is a lot of joy to be had in doing so. I just need to remind myself, and let God remind me, that I don't need the blessings that He has given to others - that rather, the blessings He HAS given to me are exactly those I need to grow in grace. He's given enough for growth, and enough for pleasure; enough to suit MY temperament and my husband and children, not someone else's. It's all from His hand, and I need to remember that, and let that be enough.
The funny thing about all of this (or not so funny, really) is that this isn't the first time I've had to learn this lesson, or struggled in this area; it seems to be a recurring theme, which is doubly sad, one because I keep having to relearn the lesson, and two because in re-reading this post, I realize what a whiny, silly lesson it even is to learn (because really, we have SO much to be grateful for that I feel rather ashamed even sharing that I DO struggle with this so much). I guess it is an example of the insanity of concupiscence and sin, that we have to learn these things over and over again, and that we return to bitter fruit even when there is sweet available. Every time I've focused on the beauties and blessings of my life, I find myself more and more in love with all of it: with God, my spouse, my kids, my extended family, my friends; with my house, my yard, my job, my life, and all the little gifts that come my way. Every time, conversely, that I let myself get sucked into comparisons, whether through browsing a bit too much on Pinterest, or a real world run-in with something "better" by worldly standards, I end up miserable, eaten up with covetousness and envy. I'd really rather live in joy, but too often I let it slip through my fingers. Perhaps it is just hard when your own blessings are more intangible and less visible (it's hard to "see" the blessing of staying at home, when that coveted sunroom is staring you in the face!) But such is the human condition... all we can do is pray for the grace to try and try again.
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In other news, a few quick snippets of what we've been up to:
*Georgie has been absolutely delighted watching the growth of these:
That's right - a nest of baby bunnies right in our yard. They are so cute that it's hard to leave them alone, and not steal one to keep as a pet!
*Our garden is growing great, so far. Carrots, parsnips, beets, snap peas, basil, dill, and a few flowers seem to be off to a great start. I just put in four tomatoes today as well - had to pull a few of the peas to make room, but I figured it was worth the trade to get the tomatoes in and growing.
*My husband put in a new herb bed for me, much better than the simple rock bordered one I'd had in the past (and as it's a raised bed, filled with nice MooDirt topsoil, the herbs will probably grow a lot better) :
*This little cherry bush is on its third summer. Last year it seemed to grow really well, but then this spring only the bottom inch or so seemed to actually be opening its buds. I figured that it had mostly died during the winter, so I chopped off the top in hopes that it would grow more: and now look at it! If only *I* responded as well to God's prunings as this plant did to mine.
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* I'm super excited for next week, when the CSA that we signed up for back in April starts. My parents are getting us a chest freezer as a birthday present, just in time to be able to freeze any extras that we get, and I think it's going to be fun to learn to cook with some new veggies, and challenge myself to use as much of the produce as possible!
*Oh, and the crabapple tree we planted this spring? Yeah, completely covered in little baby crapapples. If they do well, I'm looking forward to making some crabapple jelly and butter in the fall...
I really could go on and on about all the little blessings and good things in our life right now. Sure, there are lots of little trials, too... today I would rather NOT have been home with my kids, when I tried to put the baby down *7* times for naps, only to have him wake back up each time 10-20 minutes later. Georgie actually was kind of a champ for not losing it too badly on a day like today, because truth be told, *I* did. And yesterday I'd have rather NOT been living the slow life when after walking to the library and back with a 18 lb three month old in the Ergo and pushing the four year old in the stroller, I decided to walk to the hardware store (10 minute walk in the other direction) only to find, on arriving, that they didn't have the thing that I needed. However, this too was a blessing, since it pushed me to cobble together a *free* solution to my problem, instead...
Anyway that's pretty much life these days in a nutshell. Reciting my many blessings over to myself and enjoying all that the beginning of summer holds. Truly - if you struggle with this too, give it a try: every day for a week, think of as many good things about your home, your life, your spouse, etc as you can. Thoughts as small as "wow, I love this old woodwork" add up, and before you know it, you'll be looking with gratefulness and love, rather than the diminishing, negating lens of comparison.
Peace to all! Enjoy June!
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